A State of Chrysalis - Remembering Chemo

I took these pictures of myself while I was undergoing chemotherapy. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, as I was going through a bad bout of pain this last weekend and trying to comfort myself by saying,"it could be worse; at least this is not as bad as chemo!"

I wish I could take a picture that fully expresses the spectrum of the chemo experience. I felt like I was drowning, while simultaneously being bitten all over by red ants. The metallic chemical taste of it in my mouth when they started pushing it up my vein, the smells and fevers and vomiting come to mind as if it was yesterday. At the hospital restrooms, a sign tells chemo patients to flush the toilet twice after they pee. Urine comes out red after an infusion, and even the urine is dangerous if it splashed on you.

The whole experience leaves a big psychological scar. I liked to think of it as a state of chrysalis, out of which I would emerge renewed. Like a butterfly I guess. But then again, that makes me think of the Maidenek butterflies, where children drew countless butterflies on the walls of the gas chambers of the death camp before dying.

It's so strange that in order to treat cancer, we take a highly toxic poison that destroys ALL quickly-replicating cells and makes us dangerously ill. Reminds me of the dark ages. Maybe cancer patients should be bled at the same time, for good measure.

Chemo was an invisible prison, a strange embryonic state where my own body became alien, hair falling out, fingernails coming off. It transforms us into alien creatures.

I don't want to visit that planet ever again.


I'm re-posting this video I took early on when I was just beginning chemo. (Youtube deleted my old account for some reason) I was very scared and alone during the procedure, so I carried a camera like a security blanket. I find that if I make myself a third person by filming things happening to me, it helps me step out of my body and distance myself from the situation.


Sadly, I am supposed to be in chemo right now. Multiple doctors have been urging it since my last surgery, based on my medical situation. But I have declined it this time. Not just because because of the pain and illness. I have had permanent damage in several ways since the last round, and I am looking for alternatives. I would rather opt for a good quality shorter life than a little bit longer life in a chemo stupor if it came down to it.

The following books have been very helpful in making decisions about chemo - just click on the book cover to view details.  (I actually had a personal consultation with the doctor who wrote Breast Cancer Survival Manual, Fourth Edition: A Step-by-Step Guide for the Woman With Newly Diagnosed Breast Cancer, as he was my Oncologist. He definitely supports going the chemo route, especially in my case.)

I also have a cancer blog for those interested at: http://www.modernamazon.blogspot.com


         

How far are you willing to go to reach your greatest goal? (My year of homelessness)

How far are you willing to push yourself, in order to reach your greatest goal in life? Would you get up an extra hour early in the morning each day? Would you invest all of your money towards it? Would you be willing to give up your possessions, be homeless and sleep in your car? Would you give someone a blowjob?

If you can't answer "yes" to most of the above, then maybe you aren't chasing the right goal. Maybe you are chasing someone else's goal, fulfilling your parent's fondest dreams for you instead. Or maybe you lack the passion and conviction to reach for it.

As some people know, I went on a journey that was to be one of my roughest, grittiest adventures yet--living homeless for a year. Today I am finally resurrecting this blog.

During this time, I planned to document the experience by writing field reports and shooting video. It was my guerrilla approach to making art out of the situation. It was also a way to be able to spend my days writing, rather than just running the treadmill of a 9-5 job. I abhor corporate jobs that require you to work each day so as to further someone else's goals, increase someone else's profits, while simply fighting to maintaining the status quo of your own life.

I won't take time explaining all the circumstances that led up to my decision to live nomadic; it is long and complicated. Suffice to say that the re-arrival of breast cancer into my life was definitely a catalyst. Inquiring minds can read about my experience in my separate cancer-adventure blog beginning here: "Looking for Love in All the Wrong Hospitals"

I pre-planned my homeless experience, with the intention of modernizing nomadic living, making it into high-tech, efficient homelessness. I didn't want to compare myself with other homeless people, or duplicate their circumstances. I wasn't trying to understand their experience. I entered into it as my own experience. (For those interested in the topic of homelessness in general, I recommend checking out this book, Modern Homelessness: A Reference Handbook (Contemporary World Issues))  I did have some resources to begin with such as a vehicle, laptop, and iphone, and also acquired camping and survival equipment. I could alternate between sleeping in the car, a tent, staying over occasionally at people's houses, and motels when possible.

I am a VERY goal-driven person, and despite all hardships, I have plodded away at my goals over the years. Upon moving to California I was in Phase 2 of my personal manifesto, which was to get at least four books published, on the subject of films (done). At that point I would move on to having four screenplays produced (not done). You may be able to tell that "4" is my lucky number.

My choice to embark on a homeless lifestyle caused a number of reactions from people, many negative and unpleasant. The label of "bum" was applied at times ("Why is Dominique being a bum? I know things are hard, but can't she go flip burgers or something?") It was interesting to see how people reacted. Success in our society, especially California, is measured by your possessions. Not only does your home tell a lot about you, but the exact location of your home equates your status. What happens when you have no home at all? Does it make you a lesser person? What is a bum exactly? Do you become one when you don't have a home, or just when you look messy and start asking for spare change?

I felt that if planned properly, nomadic living could actually be a new alternative lifestyle for new economic times. So what if you camp on some land? You can still get cleaned up and attend a lecture and nobody will know the difference. (Believe me, I did it many times). You don't have to be dirty and dreadlocked. You don't have to be a hippie. You can be a professional working person still. It's like telecommuting. So many jobs these days are online or can be worked from remote locations that it opens up a whole new vista of opportunities. And if you are in the arts, it may even be an advantage to be free enough to move about, make your bed wherever you are working on a project, go super in-depth with studies by becoming part of each new environment. If you have ingenuity, you can find so many ways to live like this.

As an avid podcast listener, especially on the subject of screenwriting, I heard something recently that caught my attention. Two famous screenwriters discussed how they were able to complete their scripts which subsequently got picked up. They both spent a year or so working very hard and putting aside money and then quit their day jobs for a year and finished their screenplays, living very frugally off of savings. Now that is an ideal way to handle it. But beyond that, it piqued my interest in how many successful writers had been "bums" as some say, by living homeless at some point before they hit it big.

Guess what? LOTS and LOTS of famous people, writers, actors and so many more went through a period of homelessness. Of course most weren't on purpose and usually it was just one of many hardships endured to get to the top of their game. I was shocked though, at just how many famous people passed through this sort of "rite of passage" to get to their ultimate destination. Considering that, why should anyone be ashamed of homelessness, as a sign of failure. In my eyes, when you have a firm goal in mind that you are working towards each day, then being a nomad may just be a sign of success to come.

I am finished with my little social experiment now, and I have a home once again, in the beautiful, vast Mojave Desert, where I spent much of my time camping before. Was homelessness a good experience for me? What did I achieve during my stint as an urban nomad? Well, that is a story for another time, as I resurrect this blog and start releasing my field reports (as well as other new blog updates).

All in all, nothing went as planned.

Guerilla Gardening for Nomads: Seed Bombs, Seed Guns, and Green Grenades

For ideal nomadic living, guerrilla gardening with planned or spontaneous seed-attacks is perfect for the gardener who owns no plot of land, has no tool shed full of fancy possessions, and moves around frequently. For the city-dweller, it can be a subversive act, sadly viewed by some authorities as illegal or trespassing. Some subcultures have carefully developed methods in which to circumvent or avoid such issues.

(image from http://vanessaharden.com/)

In certain parts of Seattle, opium poppies (papaver somniferum) grow from cracks in the sidewalks. Many people who walk or use public transportation make a habit of picking off a dried poppy pod as they pass and crack it open to spread the seeds as they walk along, shaking the pod like a salt shaker over parking islands and any exposed patch of dirt. Of course many national parks and wilderness areas have hidden plots of cannabis. Both of these plants can be useful medicinal plants (Thomas Jefferson used to keep opium poppies in his herbal medicine garden in Monticello, as they have potent painkilling properties even when just made into a tea (but um, don't do that, it's illegal). The DEA later tampered with history and dug up the original species of poppy from the display garden and replaced them with more innocuous ornamental poppies so as not to set a bad example for good Americans visiting the home. But for others who wish to harvest other hardy plants for food, beauty or general contribution to the environment, (without problems from the DEA) there are a number of methods that it can be done.

GUERRILLA GARDENERS: Pack up your ammo and attack your neglected environments - 

Got an air pistol? You can attack the matter with seed-bullets like these:

Or you can buy ready-made seedboms from Kabloom, which can be thrown into derelict land, neglected spaces and anywhere you want to make some environmental impact. Their outer casing is made from recycled materials that break down into a nice fertile compost with a bit of rain.

A great guide to a number of funky improvised environmental devices along with many tips is at:
Guerrilla Gardening Seed Bomb Guide


These are a couple prepackaged items available through Plant the Piece with some added novelty, including the more advanced version of a seed gun and some bombs that even children can play with:

For most, the most inexpensive way is to simply get our hands dirty and make your own seed-bombs from easily available materials such as clay, moss, compost and peat. Many people make a group activity of it. On the east coast there are the Green Guerillas which is a group that has been around since the 70s, gardening in the trash-strewn dereliction of New York.

On the west coast, I just got word of an event in which a bunch of people are getting together in February for a Seed Bomb (Bar) Crawl. Their guerrilla gardening mission is to ride the Metro Red Line (in L.A.) on a certain route and at every stop plant, clean and throw seed bombs as they go. The goal is to create 13 new spaces along the metro line and do it in record time - each stop 12 minutes or less. Not only that, they will be wearing evening attire (with tennis shoes) and RUNNING.

If you want some instruction on preparing seed-bombs, below is a how-to video on seed-bombing, based on ideas of based on the ideas of Masanobu Fukuoka, who has written books such as The One-Straw Revolution: An Introduction to Natural Farming (New York Review Books Classics) and The Road Back to Nature: Regaining the Paradise Lost. He is an advocate of permaculture, which is essentially the manifestation of a core set of design principles, in which people design their own environments and build increasingly self-sufficient human settlements — ones that reduce society's reliance on industrial systems of production and distribution that is  fundamentally and systematically destroying Earth's ecosystems.

Once I am settled a little more, I'll take before and after photos of my personal guerrilla gardening moments and we'll see what manifests. IF I get back to the same spots. Even if I don't go to the same place twice and just toss seeds while passing through, the nice thing is that it doesn't matter.

Little Green : a sustainability cocktail party : February... - Eventbrite

Don't have to bring your own bottle, but if you bring your own glassware you get a discount at the door!

Little Green : a sustainability cocktail party : February... - Eventbrite

Little Green is a spin-off of a group called Mindshare LA. It provides an opportunity to socialize, network, and learn about green initiatives in the area.

Want to know more about it? Check out this blog entry about the last Little Green event, which includes pic and some of the topics covered, including one of my favorite - guerrilla gardening.

2010: urban nomadic solutions for hi-tech homelessness

I had no idea that anyone else had even coined the term "urban nomad". I started using the term to loosely describe my goals for alternative living this year. Let's just say I'll be traveling extra-light. And I will be video podcasting and filming what it is like to be homeless (or what it can be like), so stay tuned and I will soon release info on my new cyber-home and where you can peep in on me if interested in monitoring my progress and adventures.

I don't have time at the moment to describe or release my entire manifesto for this living guerrilla art project that I am in the midst of launching, and as to why I am even doing it is a whole other story. Right now my main concern is for the practical. I will no longer have any type of roof over my head, so what material or location I should choose to shelter at is the most urgent matter of business. But almost equally as important in this decision is aesthetics and the goal of maintaining professional-level communications via high-tech (but portable) system of wifi and solar or other methods of energy.

If only I could afford or get access to one of these ideal shelters from Winfried Baumann (via referral from my transhumanist colleague Alex Lightman). This is like the Ikea store of homeless furniture. Reminds me also of those pod-hotels at Japanese Airports. Either way, I desperately wish I could purchase one right away. With this economy, these might actually gain some popularity in the near future..
(love all the pictures of champagne next to the shelters - redefining the "wino" stereotype. Now that's the kind of wino I want to be.)

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The Works of Spike Jonze, Chris Cunningham, and Michel Gondry

WANT IT.

Director's Label Series Boxed Set - The Works of Spike Jonze, Chris Cunningham, and Michel Gondry


The Work of Director Spike Jonze
When you experience The Work of Director Spike Jonze, you enter a world where anything can happen and frequently does. From the innovative director of Being John Malkovich and Adaptation., this superior compilation of music videos, documentaries, interviews, and early rarities offers abundant proof that Jonze is the real deal--a filmmaker ablaze with fresh ideas and fresh ways of filming them. While collectors will regret that only 16 of Jonze's 40+ music videos are included here, this glorious sampling represents the cream of Jonze's bumper crop, and for sheer ingenuity, it doesn't get any better than this. From the Beastie Boys' popular TV cop-spoof "Sabotage" to the intensely disciplined backwards-filming technique of the Pharcyde's "Drop," it's clear that Jonze has an affinity for inventive street theater, culminating in the sad/happy vibe of Fatli! p's introspective "What's Up Fatlip?" and the pop-jazz effervescence of Bjork's "It's Oh So Quiet." Technical wizardry is also a Jonze trademark, especially in the elaborate "Happy Days" nostalgia of Weezer's "Buddy Holly" and the graceful fly-wire dancing of Christopher Walken to Fatboy Slim's pulsing "Weapon of Choice." No doubt about it: Every one of these videos is an award-worthy testament to Jonze's ability to combine hard work with fun-loving spontaneity. Accompanied by an informative 52-page booklet, this two-sided DVD also explores Jonze's artistic evolution with an entertaining selection of video rarities and three half-hour documentaries, the best being a revealing and very funny interview with rapper Fatlip after his dismissal from the Pharcyde. Commentaries for the music videos are consistently worthwhile, supporting Jonze's own belief that his best videos were made for artists whose work he genuinely enjoyed. Lucky for us, his pleasure is infectious.

The Work of Director Chris Cunningham
Like the other volumes in the acclaimed Director's Series, The Work of Director Chris Cunningham offers a feast of visual ingenuity, with one major difference: Unlike the relatively playful brightness of Jonze and Gondry, Cunningham wants to involve you in his nightmares. From the urban monstrosities of Aphex Twin's "Come to Daddy" to the limb-shattering weirdness of Leftfield's "Afrika Shox," Cunningham's music videos emphasize the freakish and the bizarre, but they are also arrestingly beautiful and otherworldly, as in the aquatic effects used for Portishead's "Only You," combining underwater movements with ominous urban landscapes. Some of Cunningham's shock effects are horrifically effective (his 'flex" video installation, excerpted here with music by Aphex Twin, is as disturbing as anything conjured by David Cronenberg), while others are cathartic or, in the case of Aphex Twin's "Windowlicker," outrageously amusing. And while the eerie elegance of Madonna's "Frozen" arose from a chaotic production, the signature work in this collection is clearly Björk's "All Is Full of Love," a masterfully simple yet breathtaking vision of intimacy involving advanced robotics and seamless CGI composites. In these and other videos, Cunningham advances a unique aesthetic, infusing each video and commercial he makes with a dark, occasionally gothic sensibility. That these frequently nightmarish visions are also infectiously hypnotic is a tribute to Cunningham's striking originality.

The Work of Director Michel Gondry
The Work of Director Michel Gondry invites the lucky viewer into a wonderland of childlike imagination. Before the Versailles-born Gondry turned his creative ingenuity to feature films (beginning with the underrated Human Nature and the 2004 Jim Carrey comedy Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), these 27 music videos and assorted "stories and things" formed a legacy of supreme cleverness, suggesting a creative lineage from the pioneering film magic of Georges Méliès to the groundbreaking experimental films of Norman McLaren. It's perfectly fitting that the accompanying 75-minute documentary is titled "I've Been 12 Forever," because Gondry (b. 1964) never lost the sense of wonder and inventiveness that children display when their minds are allowed to flourish in a creative environment. No wonder he's best known for his dazzling collaborations with Icelandic pop star Björk, resulting in music videos (seven included here) that redefined the magical potential of the medium. Each, in its own way, is a masterpiece of the fantastic. What's also remarkable about Gondry's work is its technical progression, from the homemade crudeness of his earliest videos for the French band Oui Oui, to the technical wizardry of Kylie Minogue's "Come Into My World," in which the Australian pop star is seamlessly multiplied as she strolls around a busy Parisian intersection; like many of Gondry's videos, it's a stunning "how-did-they-do-that?" work of art, reminiscent of Zbigniew Rybcynski's prize-winning 1982 short "Tango." From the hilarious dreamworld of the Foo Fighters' most popular video "Everlong" to the painstaking pixilation of Gondry's videos for the White Stripes (one made entirely of animated Lego blocks), this DVD is packed with Gondry's tireless pursuit of perfection; he'll do whatever's necessary, no matter how simple or complex, to achieve perfect harmony between song, artist, and visual concept. All the while, he's drawing from a seemingly endless well of inspiration, as evident in the delightful 52-page booklet of stories, drawings, photos, and interviews that chronicle the eternal sunshine of a brilliant mind. --Jeff Shannon
(description from amazon.com)


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Do fish have dreams?

"There's a deranged grandeur to Nicholas Cage's performance . . ."

I read the blog entry in Noir Journal #6 and I think it says it all.  Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call, New Orleans is one of my favorite films of the year (along with the Coen Brother's A Serious Man).  See the entry at the link below:

Noir Journal #6: Film Noir in Color Part 2, Bad Lieutenant - Noir Journal . . . investigating noir fiction and film

A.O. Scott's New York Times review referred to it as an "anarchist film noir" and I think that describes it well. The post-Katrina swampy landscape and reptilian camera angles paint a unique new picture of film noir in color. I'm reminded of William Burroughs' description of New Orleans.

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Great video - Evolution of Technology (into a sexy woman) - Saturn Commercial

Zaha Hadid, futurism in architecture

Zaha Hadid is a wildly controversial architect, who for many years built almost nothing, despite her designs winning prizes and critical acclaim. Some even said her work was unbuildable. Yet over the past decade she has completed numerous structures including the Rosenthal Center for Contemporary Art in Cincinnati (which the New York Times called 'the most important new building in America since the Cold War'), the Phaeno Science Center in Wolfsburg, Germany, and the Central Building of the new BMW Assembly Plant in Leipzig. Today, Hadid is firmly established among the élite of world architecture, her audacious and futuristic designs having catapulted her to international fame.

TASCHEN has an exquisite book on her work available now.

Zaha Hadid: Complete Works, 1979-2009

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